Is there some secret to life that I just don’t know about? And if there is, how do I find it? Does everyone else know about it except for me? I have a feeling the whole world is lost. If that’s the case then it would explain a lot, wouldn’t it? I think everyone is trapped in their own minds, unsure of what our purpose is. Our lives are spent searching and searching and never really finding. Everything we do is just a distraction method to help us forget that we are doing nothing.
I’ve been feeling so lost lately, like I’m just floating around with nowhere to go and nothing to hold onto. I’ve felt this way for years but now that I’m really on my own I feel it so potently. The heaviness of solitude is almost suffocating when you don’t have anyone to share it with.
I also can’t help but wonder if I would be happy anywhere else. I don’t think I would be any less confused about absolutely everything if I was at a different school or in a sorority. I think greek life would maybe mask the way I’m feeling and make me look like I’m better off. But I think the reason that I am where I am is because I need to be. I think that maybe I need to be alone and I need to be lost and confused and afraid in order for me to figure myself out.
Right now I don’t even know myself. I know I’m self-conscious and unsure of the way I look, act, and feel. I know I have a lot of interests and passions and I know there is so much that I want to get out of life. But I feel discouraged because I don’t know how to go about getting those things. I feel like I’ve been disadvantaged somewhere along the line but that surely can’t be true. I’ve been given so much and I have so much to look forward to. I just don’t know what exactly it all is or what it all means.
Right now I’m looking down the beginning of a very dark tunnel known as life. I really have no choice but to start walking. The worst part of it is not knowing if there’s light at the end. Is there even an end at all?
How do you fix a broken heart and a broken spirit? How do you find the strength to move on after
everything so much is taken away from you? Who do you turn to for help when it all comes down to you? How do you smile when you feel so drained? How can life give you so much only to steal it all back?
I’m a firm believer in the whole “everything happens for a reason” mentality and whatnot. But the thing is that sometimes I feel like had the universe just told me what the outcome of this situation would be, I could have picked an easier and much more pleasant way of arriving at the outcome. I don’t really want to learn a lesson or build character, thank you. I guess life just doesn’t work that way, though. Fuck me, right?
Why are humans so self-absorbed? It’s crazy how insignificant our individual “problems” really are in the scheme of everything. Sometimes I think we all need a refresher to get out of our own heads.
It’s weird how lost I can feel as soon as I think of how temporary everything is. Really though. All I have for certain and indefinitely is myself. I guess this is what everyone means when they say that you’d better learn to love yourself. I’m all I really have. Me, Myself, and I. I don’t say this in a sad way. It’s true. People come and go. Friendships disappear. I’ve never even been in a relationship. My story’s just beginning and I already feel like I’ve got myself on a good path. I have a million different places that I can go and I relish that thought. I have to remind myself to stay grounded. The world is a big place.
You know what else sucks? Rejection. And having to make new friends. It’s not fun.
I hate feeling lonely. It sucks.
There are few things in life harder than saying goodbye. I had no idea it would be so difficult but here I am feeling like I’m being punched in the stomach. Leaving my family and friends behind has come as a huge shock. It sucks. But I think it’s part of growing up. I am on to bigger and better things and everyone has their turn. Now it’s mine and I am determined to not let homesickness or sadness get in my way of having an awesome first semester both academically and socially. I have so much going for me that it would be ridiculous to not be excited. Suddenly I seem to have given myself a pep talk. But I’m going in for the plunge and come tomorrow there’s no turning back. Wish me luck!
It’s kind of weird that before you meet a person and get to know them and connect their face to a personality, you see them as their human embodiment. You can only judge based on their appearance and the body that encases their true self.
As I begin to count down the days to when I leave for college (I’ve actually been counting the years since 7th grade) I find myself growing sentimental in my old age. A week from yesterday I’ll be turning eighteen and no longer will I have my youth legally locked into place. I’ll be an adult in the eyes of both the world and the government. It’s exciting, it’s enlightening, and mostly it’s scary. It’s bittersweet.
But what hit me just now was pulling into my driveway, riding shotgun in my new car that my dad had taken out to Home Depot (the fire alarm in the kitchen just ran out of battery and has been chirping every three minutes since 3 o’clock this afternoon) and noticing that the neighbors down the street had officially moved out. Their cars were gone, lights out, all signs of life lost while somewhere in New York City they’d begun anew. I’d known they’d been moving for a while I just never really stopped to think about it. The girl that had lived there was two years older than me but we’d spent countless afternoons playing dumb games with the rest of the neighborhood kids. I haven’t seen her since last summer when she stopped by out of the blue and happened to catch me while I was on my way out of the house. We talked for a while, then she left. It was nice. We haven’t spoken since. I had my first sleepover in her house and I remember walking down the street with my sister, the two of us pulling our packed suitcases like we ourselves were moving out of our house. My sister only lasted about three hours before tearfully calling home, forcing our mom out of bed at what was probably only 10:30 but felt like the middle of the night to walk down and bring her home.
Seeing that house look so desolate and empty struck a nerve in me. I’d probably hear from them several times over the next few years but I know eventually and all too soon those meager attempts at keeping old friendships between our families alive would fizzle out and disappear altogether. We’ll exchange Christmas cards (if my mom gets them out in time next year).
The neighbors across the street are repainting their house green. Two paint-jobs ago it used to be yellow. When it was yellow a different family lived there. The boy there was a year younger than me and I can tell you even more about the time we spent building tree forts in his backyard or mine. But his family moved about six years ago and we stopped hearing from them a while back. Christmas cards—that’s it. Then the house was painted white and a new family with two
horrible, demonic, destructive monsters little children moved in. Down the street another family moved in with two young daughters and I watched throughout my middle and high school careers as they took over the neighborhood, roaming the same streets in their Barbie Jeeps that my friends and I had once ruled with our bicycles and Razor scooters.
Slowly my old neighborhood gang drifted apart. Phil moved. Michael and Maria moved. Zander stopped coming out to play. Tricia and Ali got too old. Lindsay secluded herself in her studies and books. I guess I also fell away in my own time. I don’t know when exactly we stopped playing together as one big group of rowdy neighborhood kids. I don’t know what we did the last time we were all truly together. I do know that time is funny. It feels so painfully slow when you’re travelling through your awkward years. When you just want 7th grade to be over. 8th grade. 9th grade. High school. And then it is and you don’t know where it all went. What you did with all those seconds, minutes, hours, years. Why you can’t just go back to being a kid who isn’t even bothered in the least by a scraped knee or a bad haircut.
A family with a bunch of little kids is moving into the house down the street though. I’m leaving and in my wake comes the new batch of neighborhood kids. It’s The Circle of Life: Suburban Neighborhood Edition. I wonder if I’ll even recognize this place when I come home for break. All of the elderly neighbors I grew up with are now even older. Eleanor passed away from emphysema and a young expectant couple moved into her old house, Dominic had a heart attack and his wife Rose is still around but hasn’t quite been the same since. The Madrids moved the New Mexico. When I come back, half the neighborhood won’t even know who I am. I used to run this place. What I would give to be able to stop time, even for the shortest while.